I have invented the greatest sport ever. I call it 'sex-chat terrorism'. I log on into a mainstream adult chatroom, and then freak the hell out of them all. This means adopting several personas, the last three being Mr. Spoon, black_beauty and train_driver among many more. Mr. Spoon tells everyone about spooning, and then proceeds to try to get people to touch his spoons, or pretend to be a spoon, all of which is taken very seriously by my partners.
Black_beauty, a deliberately andrognous name, I only used briefly: I cybered someone before informing them that I wasn't a woman at all: they were like 'OMG! You fucking fag!' before I told them I was actually a horse. I was then kicked out for illegal 'bestiality' which is absurd because I obviously couldn't really be a horse.
Train_driver was by far the best. Trains are when a 'woman' starts a chatroom and has sex with loads of men in succession, usually to try and break a record. I logged on:
Train_driver: Hey, the_attitude_bitch, I'll drive your train for you.
the_attitude_bitch: Wait a moment, honey.
(Five minutes later, watched by all the other people in the room, she *winked* at me, which meant I was in)
the_attitude_bitch: I lie on the bed, beckoning . .
Train_driver: I jump on.
the_attitude_bitch: You're big . . .
Train_driver: So are you. I check your engine.
the_attitude_bitch: It's all fine, honey.
Train_driver: I stoke your fire, grease you up . . .
the_attitude_bitch: MMmmmmm
Train_driver: And with a swift change of gears, we're off out of the station. Steam pressure: 40, temperature: 120 degrees celsius.
aussie_guy: dude, you're ment (sic) to fuck her
Train_driver: I am, I am. I throw my spanner in . . .
the_attitude_bitch: Nice move, romeo, but less metaphors
Train_driver: But it's stuck!
the_attitude_bitch: WHAT?
Train_driver: I . . Can't pull out! My spanner - jammed!
the_attitude_bitch: You're fucking kidding me!
*Train_driver tugs uselessly at spanner*
west_country_boy: Alright, man, I'm gonna message the chat room monitors. Fuck off now!
the_attitude_bitch: OMG I have a spanner in me! Take me to casualty!
*aussie_guy lifts the_attitude_bitch onto his shoulders*
Train_driver is logged off by group_sex_monitor
The hilarious thing is, they have to take everything that happens seriously. I get kicked off every time, but I have some great laughs.
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