Sex Chat Terrorism (6.6.05)

I have invented the greatest sport ever. I call it 'sex-chat terrorism'. I log on into a mainstream adult chatroom, and then freak the hell out of them all. This means adopting several personas, the last three being Mr. Spoon, black_beauty and train_driver among many more. Mr. Spoon tells everyone about spooning, and then proceeds to try to get people to touch his spoons, or pretend to be a spoon, all of which is taken very seriously by my partners.

Black_beauty, a deliberately andrognous name, I only used briefly: I cybered someone before informing them that I wasn't a woman at all: they were like 'OMG! You fucking fag!' before I told them I was actually a horse. I was then kicked out for illegal 'bestiality' which is absurd because I obviously couldn't really be a horse.

Train_driver was by far the best. Trains are when a 'woman' starts a chatroom and has sex with loads of men in succession, usually to try and break a record. I logged on:

Train_driver: Hey, the_attitude_bitch, I'll drive your train for you.

the_attitude_bitch: Wait a moment, honey.

(Five minutes later, watched by all the other people in the room, she *winked* at me, which meant I was in)

the_attitude_bitch: I lie on the bed, beckoning . .

Train_driver: I jump on.

the_attitude_bitch: You're big . . .

Train_driver: So are you. I check your engine.

the_attitude_bitch: It's all fine, honey.

Train_driver: I stoke your fire, grease you up . . .

the_attitude_bitch: MMmmmmm

Train_driver: And with a swift change of gears, we're off out of the station. Steam pressure: 40, temperature: 120 degrees celsius.

aussie_guy: dude, you're ment (sic) to fuck her

Train_driver: I am, I am. I throw my spanner in . . .

the_attitude_bitch: Nice move, romeo, but less metaphors

Train_driver: But it's stuck!

the_attitude_bitch: WHAT?

Train_driver: I . . Can't pull out! My spanner - jammed!

the_attitude_bitch: You're fucking kidding me!

*Train_driver tugs uselessly at spanner*

west_country_boy: Alright, man, I'm gonna message the chat room monitors. Fuck off now!

the_attitude_bitch: OMG I have a spanner in me! Take me to casualty!

*aussie_guy lifts the_attitude_bitch onto his shoulders*

Train_driver is logged off by group_sex_monitor

The hilarious thing is, they have to take everything that happens seriously. I get kicked off every time, but I have some great laughs.

The Prim Lieutenant's Song

In a lot of classic movies (take "Letter from An Unknown Woman") the heroine is chased by and sometimes married to a prim lieutenant. Invariably he has clipped facial hair and exquisite manners: he has strong moral standards, and may even be some sort of war hero. Yet at some level he is remote, stylised and unsympathetic because in not knowing how to love he makes himself unloveable.

With A I truly have only msyelf to blame. I was romantic, she responded in kind. I was cool, she responded in kind. I confused myself and then lost interest in going out with her, and of course she has done the same. However, I went on a lot of lovely dates with her, and got to kiss a beautiful girl. I also feel I have gained a close friend, so really I have nothing to complain about. All that is left to do is analyse what I did wrong and apply it to the future.

I am, of course, the prim lieutenant -- I chase down leading ladies, and can for a time imprison them like a butterfly under a glass, but I can never touch them. I am too self-aware to be greedy, too concerned with respecting women to arouse love in them. We must not pity the prim lieutenant: he will one day find himself an upright and religious wife and find himself satisfied. But I don't have his clockwork toy movements, his steely self-belief or his bullet-grey eyes.

I have railed before about the selfishness of love -- I effectively promised myself never to take anything from A. People are like sculptures in unset clay, and we pinch bits from each other to add to ourselves in order to grow. In being unselfish I rendered A immoveable, and so petrified her love. I will play the part of the prim lieutenant in a romantic cliche until I can write my own parts: I am dangerous, scintillating and hungry like a prairie fire, and I will continue to pursue beauty and genius without ever being satisfied with less.